the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
