I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
