Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
