so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
