i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize