We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
