Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
