Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
