In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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