I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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