I like my sex mixed with concussions.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
