Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
