Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
