I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
