dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
it's great music for shaving your balls
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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