Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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