I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
