i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
