I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
