A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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