Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
