I like my sex mixed with concussions.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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