I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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