Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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