woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
