Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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