You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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