I cut my penus on the lid.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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