im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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