great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
