Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
