i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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