he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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