well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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