How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
