I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
