I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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