I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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