Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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