toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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