did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize