I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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