I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
