from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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