My liver just broke up with me...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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