Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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