my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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