K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
