are you still at the devil's house?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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