OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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