meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
