Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize
