Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize