we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
