getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
