I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
