who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
