He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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