mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
