i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
