I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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