I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
