It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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