not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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