I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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