It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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