I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
